Life detained

I swore I would never post an email as an entry, but this was just too good not to share.

I will be pissed to find out that these kind of sentiments are being manifested within my four walls as you can clearly see that Kemah’s privileges are more vast than even Aaron’s.  He’s only been allowed to touch Sadie twice (and only then because he asked in front of others) and he will surely never be allowed to prance over her keys nor will he take nap with, er, on her.  The diary sounds much more like Grady’s voice anyway.


Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.  I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

Img_4482There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.  However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly.  I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now…

After reading that, I might think twice about the cute factor Grady’s displaying all cuddled up there.  That is, if that very expensive recording equipment she’s on top of belonged to me.


12 Responses to “Life detained”

  1. Grady Says:

    Just remind them that (1) You have thumbs and control the food bowl, and (2) You are much bigger than them.

    That seems to work for Milo.

  2. Megs Says:

    That is so frickin funny. I love it.

  3. flap Says:

    I’m glad you liked it. I haven’t laughed that hard since JT or MV. I can’t believe you let Kemah lie on Sadie!!!!! Surely those thoughts would never come from such a privileged feline.

  4. Toni Says:

    I got the email, so hilarious!

  5. SherBears Says:

    That is fah-bulous! I needed that today.

    Hey, Am I too late to get on the Cosmic Carly train? If there’s anything you can do to find me a guy who cares enough to actually learn my sisters names, what they do and (geez) be able to recognize them, I’d really appreciate it.

  6. Courtney Says:

    I think that secretly, all cats are evil. They just try to act all cute and innocent. Of course, they trick us 97.88% of the time, but whatever.

  7. adele/toast Says:

    lol, i love the cats. My cat used to lie on top of my dads PC monitor.

  8. sherry Says:

    OMG! I love this.

  9. Erin Says:

    I love that picture!!!!!!!!!!

  10. Bex Says:

    That is totally Grady’s voice. Hilarious!

  11. Gwndorlin Says:

    Had to save this and send it to all my cat friends. I believe our cat thinks we are just his very big toys, and he lets us share his queen size bed. I love cats but I am having dogternal feelings lately and am looking into pups with small poops. There is no way I am going to scoop up big honking poops off the sidewalks of my fair city. Don’t know how the cat will like that little addition if I go ahead with it.

  12. kelly Says:

    I’m still laughing at the comment about Aaron asking in front of people. For one of my few friends without kids, you understand what it’s like in more ways than I realize.

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